New Years

Ah, New Years, the most anti-climactic night of the Year...

Half-Pint

My favorite time each day is at 6 p.m. when I walk down the hall and see my little sister Liz watching Little House on the Prairie. At first I didn't understand her fascination with the show, sure I thought, Michael Landon is hot but below the surface, deeper than that are the valuable life lessons and good morals the show teaches. I thought I had problems, but you really don't know how bad life can be until you've experienced a fire on the prairie, or watched someone you love freeze to death in a blizzard.

Over the Christmas break Liz has rented a couple seasons of the show and is currently making her way through them. I really can't blame her, it is the Grey's Anatomy of the 1830's.

Christmas Confections

At our house we have a ton of cookies and candy that neighbors have brought over for Christmas gifts... occasionally I bite into something that I don't recognize and have to immediately spit out and throw away what I am eating. For example one of our neighbors brought over a box of "Apples & Cotlets" which on the outside look like Turkish Delight, so you can imagine how excited I was, but it turns out they taste more like rose scented bath soaps...

Congrats Tod

Last week my friend Tod texted me to tell me he got engaged, and I texted him back the appropriate response: "Congratulations on locking that down."

Christmas Lineup

I was talking to Mary & Greg the other night and we decided that on Christmas Eve our movie lineup is going to be:

1. An Affair to Remember
2. It's a Wonderful Life
3. (the Christmas classic)Die Hard II
4. White Christmas

Greg suggested Die Hard II in order to, and I quote, "help us stay awake." Not everyone can appreciate the classics I guess...

Catch Phrases

My niece and nephews watch a lot of Charlie Brown and occasionally pick up phrases from it. Recently they have started saying the phrase, "You're holding my hand, you sly dog..." which they got from this scene in A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving...



They also just add "you sly dog" onto the end of anything they say, which is pretty fantastic...

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Ah... Christmas approaches which means it's time for my favorite event of the entire year... picking out a Christmas tree. In my family this usually involves a couple things...

1. A heated argument
2. 2-3 hours spent at 3-4 Christmas tree lots
3. Frostbite

It's pretty fantastic and by fantastic I mean wonderful. It has devolved to the point that one child each year gets to chose the tree so there is less bickering and we can get through it faster... Though this is not always a guarantee...

This year as a family we decided to go out into the wilderness to cut down a tree together with a chainsaw. For those of you following along there are some obvious flaws with that plan, most notably arguing + chainsaw.

So I got up this morning and bundled up, only to go upstairs and read this note, "Road impassable, would have to walk 1 1/2 miles in hip deep snow, trip canceled." So it appears I woke up before noon for nothing... Though maybe it's for the best because, lets be honest, one way or another we all would have died on that trip.

Public Apology

This is a public apology for any misunderstanding that I had a birthday party last night and people weren't invited...

Earlier this week I talked to my friends Tod and Kelly about going to dinner together on Saturday... because I never get to see Tod and Kelly because they are both dating people seriously/almost engaged.

Then on my birthday Tod texted to confirm the Saturday dinner plans and wished me a Happy Birthday, and he asked me if I was doing anything that night and if I wanted to get people together and have a party. I said, no, but thanks, I wanted to just hang out with my fam that night and have a low key birthday, but I told him that since we were going to dinner on Saturday we could hang out then and semi-celebrate, but I emphasized it wasn't a birthday party, I didn't want a birthday party...

Then Tod asked me if I wanted to invite anyone else, and I told him he could invite a couple more people, there is a group of us who go on a regular basis to Maria Bonitas, the restaurant we were planning on going to, so I told him he could invite the regulars, but that again I wanted to keep it small cuz I really just wanted to be able to hang out with him, Kelly and their significant others.

So Tod invited more people who in turn invited other people and somehow people started saying that it was my birthday party but really it never was nor was it ever meant to be and since then three people have come up to me to tell me they were personally offended that they weren't invited to my party. So I just wanted to say I'm sorry, it's all just a big misunderstanding.

It wasn't a birthday party. It was never meant to be a party. I just thought I was going to dinner with a couple friends. If I had thought it was a birthday party I would have invited everyone.

Birthdays

This year I decided not to tell anyone my birthday was coming up or plan an elaborate party for my birthday. I did this for a couple reasons,

1. I hate birthdays
2. I hate people
3. Planning a party is a lot of work and no matter what you always forget to invite someone and someone is always offended.
4. If you don't remind people it's your birthday then they forget and they feel really bad a couple days later when they remember, which equals, that's right kids, enough emotional blackmail to last the entire year. It's the best present a girl could ask for. I anticipate having the following conversation sometime in the next year... What? Collin? you don't have time to do me a favor and change my oil for me? Remember when you forgot my birthday because you were busy "studying" with girls? Do you have time now? That's what I thought..."
   

Beans

Mary recently sent this email...

Subject: Eat Your BEANS!!!!

Friends and Family,

I thought that i would drop a quick note. I recently returned from Pittsburg for the asa, sssa, agsa meetings. My major professor and I stumbled upon a lecture that was going on where they talked about beans and the reduction of breast cancer. This research was done mostly on animals (mice, etc) but it showed that different types of dry beans restricted tumor growth in various ways. Specifically, that each bean (kidney, nomal baked bean, etc) inhibited tumor growth in different ways. So the more beans and the more variety of dry beans the better. I thought I would pass this along while I eat my minestrone soup (that has lots of different kinds of beans). If you would like the source I can dig it up from the conference proceedings, though aside from the health benefits it was pretty dry and boring! They are actually looking into putting the genes that create these different types of cancer retards from beans into other foods to create brast cancer reducing foods. Anyway, thought I would pass this along!

love you!

I replied...

Mary, don't tell me what to do. There is no way I am eating beans.

Now actually, I eat beans all the time. Black beans are my favorite, followed closely by green beans and of course there are also fava beans which hummus is made out of... but that is beside the point, the point is Mary was trying to tell me what to do and I can't let that happen, even if she is doing it for my own good. The secret to every good relationship is maintaining control, that, and emotional blackmail... If I do what she tells me to do she gains the upper hand. So there is no way I am eating beans. I don't care if it kills me.

Swine Flu

With the swine flu spreading rampantly, I have become more aware of places where I can catch said flu:

1. The indoor track at BYU
2. The dressing rooms at Target
3. The public library
4. Communal bath houses

3 out of 4 of these I visit regularly...

Sidenote: If you lose your soap in the communal bath, do NOT go down under the water searching for it.

Ah, Sick...

I was a little sick Saturday, medium sick Sunday, and now it is full blown. I hope I am better before Thanksgiving. Turkey tastes so much better going down than coming up.

Babysitting

I unexpectedly got to help out by babysitting my two nephews today... A couple things...

1. Any child will love you if you give them enough candy.

2. While babysitting my nephew who is 3 told me of his 18 month old brother, "Jacob had a bowel movement and needs to be changed."

3. Changing a diaper is harder when there is a 3 yr old climbing on your back.

A Life Without Forgiveness

Recently, I took the backspcae key off my laptop because there was something jamming it... Since then I have not been able to get it back on.. It has made me realzie how many mistakes i make on a regular basis... It is quite alraming.

Favorite Things

When people on bikes, wear all black at night, that is my favorite thing.

New Tires

I need to buy new tires, and I am trying to decide if I want to stay with my same size of tire or maybe go a size lower. So lately I have been checking out people's tire size(this is not a metaphor for something else). I have been checking out my friend's tires and other people's tires in parking lots, to see which size of tires would look the best. I get some weird looks when I do it, then I just explain to people what I am doing... and I still get some weird looks... It's perfectly innocent people.

Trials

Why do so many people have bad taste... and why must I live in a world with them.

Hummus

The other day I went to Sunflower Market to pick up some hummus as well as fresh fruits and vegetables. When I got to the hummus section I had a decision to make, go with the garlic... a safe choice, or red pepper another good choice, but then I saw that they had artichoke hummus. Ah, I thought, "I like artichokes AND hummus. I bet the combination is fantastic." So I got it, and I have to tell you that I have never been more wrong in my life. Artichokes + hummus = disgusting. It tasted like someone had smoked and put out a cigarette in the hummus. I don't know maybe I got a bad batch, maybe someone had... it was so bad I just had to throw it away. So don't buy the artichoke...

Halloween Costume

For Halloween I was a substitute teacher, you know glasses, skirt, cardigan, pumps, old lady hairdo, it wasn't the most creative costume, but it was a costume... prior to deciding to be a substitute teacher I was thinking about being Van Gogh,
and painting my face like his... but then I didn't really want to be a man, so then Jenny had a great idea for me to be the famous woman artist Frida Kahlo...

But then, asking around no one knew who she was so I thought people might not get it. So then I was thinking that the only other woman artist I know of who did a significant number of self-portraits was Lee Krasner, but I didn't think anyone would get that from this either...
so long story short I ended up ditching the idea of doing something artistic and did something easy instead. I can't help wishing though that I had smarter friends... at least when it comes to knowing obscure artists.

How to Pick Up Children From Schools

So this afternoon I went out to get some Allred's Apple Juice and Carl's Jr for lunch, two staples... On my way back I passed by a local elementary school and there was this kid sitting on the curb shaking and trying to keep warm in the 40 degree weather... school should have gotten out about an hour before so I'm guessing his Mom forgot to pick him up... I wanted to help the kid out but a problem arose in my mind. How do you offer a kid a ride without looking like a pedophile. I thought about this for a long time as I circled the block in a suspicous manner. I knew one thing for sure I should not offer him any candy...

Finally, I parked my car and walked up to him. He was by this time laying on the sidewalk crying, and I knew for sure needed to help him. First I offered to let him use my phone to call his Mom, thus engendering trust. He said he didn't know his home phone number so then I told him I would give him a ride if he felt comfortable with that. He looked me over and I guess he thought I seemed harmless enough and agreed. At this point it would have been really funny for me to be like, "Ha, kid, that was a test... Never talk to strangers." but I think he had cried enough for one day...

He got in my car and I started taking him to his house... at first he was like, "this isn't the way to my street." and I started to pray, "please, don't let this kid jump out of my moving vehicle." but then we turned onto another street, and he was like, "Oh, yeah, this is the right way." So we continued on to his house, while driving I tried not to ask too personal questions... though he did let it slip that he was staying alone in his house with his sister. I think after saying that he realized he had said too much and stopped talking.

We arrived at his house and I asked him if he was sure he could get in okay, and then I wanted to wait to make sure he got in but also I thought that would be suspicious. So I just let him out and hopefully if he can't get in he can go to a neighbors or something.

Instruments from Animal Parts

The museum houses a diverse collection of instruments, some of which are very beautiful, some of which are very disgusting.

For instance, in the collection we have drums made out of children's skulls, monkey's skulls, a drum with a rat cut in half and stuck on the drum, a guitar made out of a hairy armadillo, and bagpipes made out of various small animals such as pigs, sheep, and calves. Needless to say I'm afraid to walk down the rows of shelves of instruments for fear of what I might see. So I always walk down the rows with my eyes closed and tell my boss to let me know if I'm going to bump into anything expensive.

Yesterday we had a DRM (Design Review Meeting) where we look at the instruments selected for a particular exhibit. One of the instruments we were looking at was from Lithuania that uses a pig's bladder as a resonator.



Note: my disgusted face in the background.


In answer to your commonly asked questions about pigs bladders:

1. Yes, it is bouncy, and could double as a children's soccer ball.
2. Yes, it is sticky if you lick it... Little known fact: the pig's bladder is nature's postage stamp. Just kidding we didn't lick it but one of the coservators touched it without gloves and told us it was sticky. I told her I'd take her word for it.
3. You can blow one up with a common air pump.
   

Beneficial Friendships

If you make friends with someone who has an inferiority complex, they will spend all their time trying to please you. Which is really nice... If you are friends with someone who doesn't already have an inferiority complex, maybe you should try to give them one.

Miscommunication

So it's official, my phone and the iphone don't get along. I have been texting back and forth with Collin as he has been nice enough to try to get me a programming gig where he works. Unfortunately Collin recently got an iphone so sometimes I get a message from him that is complete and makes sense other times I get messages like:

Collin: ig about
Collin: ing a good job I'll bring your name up.
No name: "blank message" - (which I later found out was from him)

And I'm pretty sure he doesn't get all the messages I send him... Luckily we are somehow able to communicate despite all this, and luckily we don't have anything really important to communicate except how much we hate each other, and a running commentary on Man vs. Wild.

I don't blame the iphone I blame my phone. It is very old but it is also very cute. That is where my dilemma begins and ends, because I would gladly get a new phone, but where to find a good looking phone... Finding a good phone is like finding a good bathing suit, or a good pair of jeans, or writing the great american novel... It is hard to do and cannot be rushed...

Oh, and there was the time after when I first came to Arizona that anytime anyone tried to call me it wouldn't go through... yeah, I need a new phone.